Revelations

Ho-hum. Ho-hum ho-hum ho-hum.

I reckon that most adult converts get overly zealous pre-Confirmation, absolutely full of joy at Confirmation, and then go “hmm” after Confirmation. At least, that’s about where I’m at right now. Our RCIA wrapped up really early, and so now it’s “hmm” while I try and figure things out. Not having weekly RCIA sort of throws a wrench in my mix, and I’ve spent quite some time reflecting and just figuring out what the “hmm” is and what to do about it.

I know it’s not burn-out. I know it’s not second doubts or anything like that. It’s like this weird transitory time, between n00b Catholic in training to just n00b Catholic. It’s like, I’m no longer an “investigator” or a Candidate; but in full communion or in good standing. I reckon it’s the same thing I would experience if I went from dating to married. And it’s like, now that I’m here, in good standing, full access to the Sacraments – now what?

I think this is what the Church means by continuing conversion. I know I won’t stop researching the Church, especially the more mystical aspects of it. I also know that there are some things about me that require some serious interior repair if I am to progress further.

Revelation #1: I am rather undisciplined. If I am this undisciplined in school, pretty much anything else that requires discipline isn’t going to happen. And being magically disciplined in Church-related matters doesn’t work. It’s discipline everywhere or not at all.

Revelation #2: I really, really need to shut my trap. This came to me in Adoration, except it wasn’t “Kim, you really need to just shut up” but more of “Perhaps you should spend less time talking”. So last night, I did that. I cleaned up my room and whatnot with no music, television, or conversations. I wanted to have some form of noise in the background so badly. I was really close to talking to myself just so I’d have some noise.

But because things from Adoration have a point, I found out the point of silence: I hate it. And so, I fill it up with noise, talking to the point where it becomes destructive and hurtful; just because I can’t handle the silence. I also miss ‘little things’ because I’m too busy talking over them or just listening to other things. This doesn’t mean I need to take a vow of silence until I die; but perhaps talk less and listen more; and spend some part of the day, every day; in silence.

Revelation #3: May 24th is coming up quickly. If I do wish to make it a successful consecration (which I fully intend on doing), a little thing known as preparation probably wouldn’t be a bad thing. So I’m currently in the process of adjusting things around and working on prep things. I have a copy of St. Lous de Montfort’s 33 day consecration method, even though I’m doing the Kolbe method of things; St. Louis de Montfort has some good ideas regardless. I also have other works by him, which will be consumed once finals are over (Tuesday, yay).

At any rate, those are just some of the things that I’ve uncovered in those reflectory times. For now, I need to set aside wondering about that and focus on school and finals. There are a few grades that can go up – or down. I’d like for them to go up, thanks.