Some things that I’ve learned

Friends,

Today was the first day of anti-depressants. Obviously I have no clue if they’re helping me, since a-d’s usually take a few weeks to “kick in”.

I’ve been reflecting on all the carp that’s gone down and continues to go down regarding every aspect of my life. It’s not like God shook me up in terms of shaking a snow globe, but rather is doing some serious reconstruction in my life. It’s as if He knows that we’re not going to get anywhere unless we do some Major Rearranging. I don’t have a lot of time to reflect (oddly enough) but some things are coming to light.

1. I say that I do not trust much of humanity. I have had horrific experiences that made me jaded and bitter towards friends and such. I never thought it was something that was high up on the list to get taken care of, but I’m learning otherwise. On the same token, I’m getting enough opportunities to trust people. Christ is in everyone, and it’s almost as if by not trusting people I don’t trust Christ.

2. With regards to health: redemptive suffering is what’s been my biggest “pull” in all this. And not for a “Oh, look at me, being the martyr, go me!” but because I hurt so bad at times (physically and emotionally) that it just seems logical for me to throw it to God saying “Here! Take it! Use whatever fruits You can from it! I am Your instrument and if this is how You want to use me, so be it!”

3. I am also getting large doses of reality. I am not untouchable because I am young and in college. I am not untouchable because I try hard to shut people out. I have a lot of medical bills coming my way and very little money in which to pay them. However, the world has not stopped spinning. I have not stopped sinning. The sun rises and sets and I still sleep at night (well, I do now) and I still go to class and want my Bachelor’s degree. God has done a good job on molding me through my life experiences (even the horrific ones) to make me stronger in Him, so that when He does need to do some work on me I can handle it without giving up on Him.

4. I’d rather get this done here than in Purgatory.

5. While I am learning how to trust Him in His creations, I am also learning how to receive His Love through His creations.

6. I am also learning that it’s okay to have emotions – even bad ones – and to express them in a healthy manner (while I have not been 100% consistent in expressing my anger in a constructive way, I’ve gotten a LOT better). It’s not really okay to linger on bad feelings. And it’s also okay to use humor to cope. If I let myself laugh, I have to let myself cry at some point. And I do.

7. I am realizing that what I thought my priorities were weren’t what they REALLY were. Now they are. Thanks, God!

I am sure there are many more, but those are just some on the top of my mind. Tomorrow is MRI round two. The neurologist that I am to see on the 19th of December has already reviewed my records and wants scans of my spine to see if there is anything pushing up against it. Please pray for me, and for whoever is analyzing my spine MRIs for wisdom that they can figure something out that will help diagnose what is wrong with me.

Pax!!