One of the things that’s been the hardest for me in the last year (well, year on April 15th) of fully Catholic goodness is incorporating the Catholic culture into my “culture”. Being a Candidate was awesome and fun, full of discombobulation and odd questions that make most cradle Catholics go “hmmm…”. You could be entirely clueless about the Trinity, or refer to John the Baptist as “The Dude” (I actually did this, luckily not in front of Fr. L) and everyone would just laugh and be all “Oh, Candidate; you’re awesome!”
But, after the oil’s dried, the honeymoon’s over and the real world comes into play; that’s when things get rough. It always does. No amount of post-Confirmation classes could change that. Responsibilities change: you still receive the Sacraments but that “New Catholic Innocence” has somewhat worn off and you gotta start buckling down and continue learning to keep growing.
Perhaps that’s just my experiences.
At any rate, there’s been a couple Catholic Culture moments that I’ve had some problems adjusting to. It’s not that I don’t understand the reasoning behind it; because I do, but rather it’s just something that I’m not used to doing. My home life growing up was one of stifling religious expression, so doing anything religious in public outside of Church freaks me out. Like, praying before meals. Wearing my Crucifix and medals outside of my shirt. The occasional anti-Catholic diatribe crosses my path, and it’s almost as if I’m expected to engage in some crazy debate because of my Crucifix. I’m becoming the token Catholic in some of my classes.
It’s such an odd feeling. The shift in identity, I guess; is more a struggle than the cultural elements are. I’m still not used to being known as “Kim the Catholic”. It’s the microscope coming out, like everyone’s watching me and waiting for me to fail so they can “prove” that the Church or Christianity as a whole (depending on who you’re talking to) is a lie. I’m not entirely sure what to do.
For added fun, there’s the off chance that perhaps I’m getting scrupulous. I’m not sure, I feel like I’m in a constant state of mortal sin even though I know I’m not. I feel sometimes like I’m living two lives – the religious life and the secular life. That disturbs me. I don’t want to live two lives. I want to live one life, for Christ. Why is it so hard to incorporate something that I love so much? I don’t understand it.
I try not to think about it but every now and then it creeps up in my mind. I’m 25 years old. Time to start moving on, to start re-evaluating everything that I do. Perhaps it’s a larger “Peter Pan” complex going on, hanging on to the childish things in a hope to not have to grow up. But with the wedding coming and probably kids in the next couple of years; I have to start letting go and accept that I’m an adult, that I’m Catholic, and that people are going to label me as that. And that’s okay.
I’m not entirely sure what is going on. I have some priestly advice about some of this, but not all of it. Sometimes I feel rather embarrassed to share all this. But I need to remember that you can’t shock a priest. Unless you use some rather … intense language in the Confessional. I was nervous — it was the first Confession I made after Confirmation. 
Bah, I’ve been up late enough. Time to hit the sack.
Before bed last night, I noticed a huge increase in traffic from the Army of Martyrs blog. Welcome! Feel free to poke around, leave comments if you feel so inclined, and contact me if you would like. I moved servers recently, so a lot of images in the pos
I can relate, Kim. I’m 20, and I feel like I’m never going to be a grown-up. I love watching cartoons on Nickelodeon, I don’t really know how to cook much, and there’s so much about the Church that I don’t know (having been allowed to quit CCD and then falling away completely for years).
At some point after I came back to the Church, though, I decided to work on my integrated self. I try to be just one person. The same Lindsay that wears a Catholic Terps shirt and prays before meals, even in public, also stays out too late having fun and doesn’t always do her homework. I’m not perfect. I have tendencies toward OCD, and therefore also scrupulosity, but I do what I can. I try to remember that I’m only human, but also that God has given me the grace to be His hands and feet in the world. Every day is a new beginning.