(This post ended up being really long when I typed it up offline, so; I’m posting it in two parts to keep things from getting out of control).
This May I made a resolution to work on my devotion to the Blessed Virgin. There has been a lot of interaction between her and myself, but I always kind of squicked away from her. Nothing personal against her, but just more a function of how I was raised (non-Catholic). Intellectually I understand why she is honored (and rightly so) but my devotion had been spotty for a while.
I will admit that I am not the standard Rosary saying Catholic. Chaplet of Divine Mercy? Totally. Chaplet of the Sacred Heart? Yes please. Rosary – not so much. I think for me my problems are twofold – a function of how I was raised and my inability to get my mind to settle down to meditate on the Mysteries appropriately. I found my biggest problem was that I was biting off way more than I can chew. I used to go for the full five decades and just get discouraged because I was not used to that. Like an athlete trying to run a marathon without training, I found myself frustrated and my relationship with her tanked.
I decided that I would have a goal in order to help improve my relationship with her (and thus, her Son). I would say one Hail Mary a day. I would say it in a way I had seen described on the Catholic Answers Forums – with a pause after each part (ie, “Hail Mary, full of grace – pause -…”). I can’t remember how the poster described the Hail Mary said that way, but praying it that way forced me to think about things and see how they are interrelated. I know they are, but sometimes it does us good to stop and think about things deeply for a while.
While I didn’t have any apparitions or smells of roses or anything major happen, stuff did start to happen. The first, most noticeable thing that I noticed was a sudden desire for her Son. While it is convenient to go to the Cathedral for daily Mass three times a week, I don’t go because I can; I go because I want to. Because I need to receive Him in the Eucharist, I hunger for Him in ways I never knew possible.
The second thing I noticed only happened once. After spending some time being frustrated and awake around midnight, I went back to bed to try and go to sleep. I would have to say that the most intimate encounter with Christ of my entire life happened – which is why I’m hesitant to write about it. the Catholic Encyclopedia describes what I experienced as a form of contemplation known as Prayer of Quiet. In a nutshell (copy and pasted): “As the name implies the prayer of quiet is that in which the soul experiences an extraordinary peace and rest, accompanied by delight or pleasure in contemplating God as present. In this prayer God gives to the soul an intellectual knowledge of His presence, and makes it feel that it is really in communication with Him, although He does this in a somewhat obscure manner.”
It lasted while I was awake and while I had stuff I wanted to say to Him, I knew I didn’t need to because He was right there. I could just sit and bask, for lack of a better word. I eventually fell asleep and woke up about 3 hours later and “it” was entirely gone, and hasn’t been back since. I can’t “put myself” in that state, God gives it when He sees fit. And apparently at that one time He felt fit to give me a taste. Every single night I think about it, reflect on it, thank Him for it, and pray that some day He returns me to that state, even if it’s for a second. It would be the best second of my entire life. A second would last me until I die – I feel incredibly unworthy to experience Him for as long as I did that one time.
I feel almost weird writing it out because it was so intimate between Him and I, but the graces are so overwhelming I could not NOT mention it. It’s a sensitive subject. But one that I will hold dear until the day I die and God willing, see Him face-to-face and never have to leave Him again.
(part 2)
