Conversion Story Part 2:

Posted on | August 28, 2008
by | Kim, Obl.O.S.B

* This is the last part of my conversion story that I had written before Elise arrived. Part 1 is here. Part 3 should be arriving … some time.

When I transferred to the University in 2002, I had several revelations: the first was that I didn’t have to be a Lutheran if I didn’t want to. So, rather than pretend I was someone I wasn’t, I gave up Lutheranism. I had more weird relationships and finally ended up with a guy who wasn’t a jerk, and I basically just assumed that all my relationship problems were solved. I think it was around February 2003 where I basically decided God didn’t exist (convenient for my degree of Geology) and I wasn’t tied to any kind of moral law anymore. Whoo-hoo! Looking back, it was like a repeat of the community college – here I wanted to be free, renounced all faith in God and religion, and had the freedom I wanted. God didn’t shove Himself on me, so I had all the freedom I could handle. Which I did, and loved. Nevermind that this relationship wasn’t going to work out. I think we both knew it, but didn’t want to give it up for some reason or another. Maybe because we sort of had the same outlook, but I was still drawn to things religious that kind of made it awkward. I had a lot of fun researching religions that I was banned from even talking about as a Lutheran, even though I didn’t have any intention at the time to convert. I wanted to find out once and for all what those religions taught, such as “do Catholics really teach that you need to worship Mary?” or “Is it apart of Mormon belief that Jesus and Satan are brothers?” – that sort of thing. I needed to find things out for myself. I don’t know how the then boyfriend took it, but I guess that’s a moot point right now.

At University I was still incredibly depressed, despite having a stable relationship, that I was of legal drinking age, and I had a good circle of friends. I was in and out of the University’s counseling center and eventually was on anti-depressants. The most depressing thing for me at the University was my grades. I went from a 3.0 average in high school and community college to barely passing with D-’s. And it wasn’t the change from high school/community college to University – I’ve always been studious. I just couldn’t remember what I was being taught, what I was reading. I drank – a lot – which I’m sure had a lot to do with it. I did end up getting pretty addicted to alcohol, I used it for self-medicating or to just forget the fact that I had failed my Chemistry exam or whatever. I really thank God at this point that I was with the guy I was with because he and his friends always looked out for me whenever we went to bars and the like. I never got into any weird situations because of alcohol, mainly because I had someone watching my back.

In the midst of all the drinking and depression, I still had that gnaw inside me; despite having given up on God (as He basically gave up on me – it was like high school – if He loved me so much, how come He let me feel so bad inside?)

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