A Sad Anniversary

Posted on | November 21, 2008
by | Kim, Obl.O.S.B

Today is the Feast of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin in the Temple. It’s a bittersweet day today. Long-time readers/people with good memories may remember that this is the day in which we lost our first baby, our Honeymoon Baby. At this point last year, I was back at the emergency room for the final time, as that would where I had the miscarriage.

It’s a hard day, to be honest. I know our little Saint is safe with the Father, and if she did survive we wouldn’t have Elise with us. But, I’m human. It still hurts. We continue on, though. After she died we put our hope in God to bless us again, if He willed it. And He did. I still marvel with how quickly my body recovered from the miscarriage – my physician was thinking it would take a few weeks (or months) for my body to go back to normal. We were expecting to wait a month or so before successfully conceiving. We were totally wrong – less than two weeks after the miscarriage, there was Elise. I still marvel at that.

We did get a pathology report which didn’t explain to us why the miscarriage happened. We think it was due to one of the medications I was on for my Restless Legs – I discovered one clinical study of the drug that showed a 10% miscarriage rate. Naturally I’ve stopped taking the drug, but I still don’t blame myself for her death. She was needed in Heaven, and is singing and playing and praying for us.

We treasure both of our kids. Both of them are loved by us, and while most of society just doesn’t understand (and doesn’t want to), we still maintain the dignity of our first baby. We still remember her (how could we forget her), and we won’t forget her. Even if everyone else does.

I’m going to light her candle tonight, and talk to God about her. And talk to her, of course.

On one hand, I’m sad that the miscarriage happened. But on the other, I’m grateful; as she knows no pain or anger or disappointment or anything bad. She knows pure Love, and can see the Father face to face.

I find it only fitting our first baby’s birthday is the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin (her birthday into Heaven, of course). And our second baby, our first-born Elise’s birthday is the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin. It’s those little things (coupled with other important milestones that all seem to fall on feast days important to Greg and I) that let me remember that we are loved by God, and taken care of as long as we let Him drive, so to speak. He will never lead us to bad things, and while things happen that He allows that hurt us; it’s for our good.

I cried (a lot) when Elise had her first immunizations. Even though I knew it was good for her, it still hurt her and it hurt me to know that I was subjecting her to that hurt. I wonder if God has the same feelings when bad things happen to us that are for our own good. Does He weep a little, knowing we are in pain? And does He weep for joy when we see Him in our pain, and taste the goodness that comes out of our it?

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