I think things are starting to change with regards to my soul. They’re still in the dark, dreary, dry times; but it doesn’t seem as soul choking. I was thinking last night about the “fake it ’till you make it” thought process. That even if I don’t “feel” anything of God or think He’s turned a blind eye, or when I just can’t see Him in Greg or Elise; I can still act like I do. The one thing that I have clung to is Compline (night prayer) from the Divine Office. I have the entire week’s worth of Compline in MP3 format (thank you, people who run this ministry). I can listen to it in bed, with Elise and Greg next to me and everyone’s asleep. Compline has become my life ring, praying the Psalms in my sleepy state and just having nothing demand my attention. And you know, it may not be the ideal; but it’s what’s possible for me right now – and that’s all St. Benedict asks.
Another thing that really has helped me is deviating slightly from Fr. L’s longstanding advice of NOT to change devotions or whatnot in the middle of dry times. I got a new prayerbook. A prayerbook specifically written for Catholic mothers. It’s short, sweet, and to the point. I love it. Some prayers, or the thought they’re conveying are simple enough to be memorized and I’ve been chewing on them throughout the day.
Finally, I’ve found that when I’m not slack in my vocation – that’s when I’m the most happiest. I mean, I may not be ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC that I have another thousand dishes to wash or I have to do laundry or make the bed or whatever; but it’s the overall realization that I talked about a few posts back that these little things of love, both help Elise and Greg, but also myself. Being at home, doing the laundry, the dishes, cooking, cleaning – it’s a gift that I can give every single day to the two people on this planet I love the most. Rocking. awesome. I just need to remember this when the going gets boring.
I still don’t have an exact clue what’s going on and how to deal apart from what I’ve mentioned above, but if it’s working (which I think it is), that’s all that matters. I need to rebuild some things, but I’m not in any hurry to do so. One step at a time.
