Today is the Third Monday of Lent, and I’ve had ample opportunity to reflect on how Lent has been thus far. One on hand, it’s been a harder Lent than usual, thanks to random bouts of Braxton-Hicks contractions, the effects on me physically, mentally, and spiritually that being this pregnant has had, and a few other struggles with myself. Despite that, it has been absolutely phenomenal – I can see clearer and clear the things that separate me from the love of Our Lord but rather than feel overwhelmed by it all, I feel humbled knowing that God is helping me root them out and cast them into the fire, so to speak.

Little One’s pregnancy makes this Lent extra challenging because I’m a hormonal cup of tea and often have false labor. I’m sure you can see how that alone makes for a tired, frustrated person; and it is so easy to use that as a scapegoat and just be nasty to everyone around me. Some times I feel like it’s a giant drag to be faithful to my prayer routine and my Lenten disciplines; but it is at those times particularly that I know I need to pray and do them, and it is in those times that I find the deepest blessings and reap the greatest fruit.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen when Little One decides to breathe air, but I know it will be vital for me to stick with my prayer routine and Lenten disciplines. And I know that God will give me the grace (and energy) to do so, as long as I remain open to Him. He has so much to give me, beyond my imagination; as long as I stay open to Him. He has yet to lead me into error or away from Him … but like most humans, I still find it hard to be open to Him. Or at least, be fully open to Him. I still care (too much) about what other people think, and I know it’s something I need to deal with. And I know what’s keeping me from actually dealing with it – maybe I should spent the remaining part of Lent whittling it away.

Another one of those posts from the “better than I can say it” department:

Why I Am Catholic: Because He Didn’t Promise Us A Rose Garden

One of the books I’m utilizing this Lent is Lenten Meditations with Fulton J. Sheen. Each day has a short quote from Archbishop Sheen, and a verse from Sacred Scripture that reflects what he’s trying to convey. I particularly like today’s:

One of the beautiful effects of hope is that it relieves us of the morbid fear of failure…As pride grows less in us, there is an an accompanying relief from our old terror of humiliation through failure. Once God and obedience to His will have become our all-encompassing desire, fear of the hostility of others completely evaporates; we are ready to be “fools for Christ.” (p.21)

Something worth remembering; for me at least.

Exspectantes posted a post yesterday afternoon that really has me thinking. Her thoughts on making a home, especially why it’s so important to her.

I suppose this isn’t shocking to anyone, but my mom is the typical ‘Type A personality’ (which is something her and I get a lot of laughs out of). I’m somewhat Type A, but not to the extreme my mom is. Growing up, I remember coming home from school and finding her washing the ceiling, the walls, that sort of thing. She stayed home with us kids until we were in school, then worked part-time. Somehow, she ALWAYS found time (and energy!) to keep the house in amazing condition. Now that I am All Grown Up and Taking Care Of My Own House, I’m shocked at how much there is to keeping a house. She made it look so easy.

I suppose most people think that my need for keeping house is somehow tied up in my growing up environment (kind of – I hate clutter but I will NOT be washing my walls; unless it’s delinting the bathroom – and even that is just using a dry rag) or the fact that as a stay at home Mama, I’m bored and therefore keeping house is something to do. Or that I have some weird fantasy that’s rooted in deep nostalgia and keeping house is a way of venting that. For me, keeping house – cleaning it, making meals, clutter control and so on – is more than just making it safe for us to live in or not be tripping over all sorts of stuff. Greg and I are firm believers in the sense that the home is more than just a place to sleep, eat, and stay clean; but rather a place to come and retreat to. A place where everyone may not get along all the time, but we all love each other immensely and are a family.

The things that are required of me to run the house, I try to remember to do those as little acts of love. Much like St. Therese of Lisieux’s “little way” – doing the most mundane (and sometimes smelly tasks) with love. It doesn’t make things smell better or be less boring; but it helps to keep my focus as to WHY I am actually doing what I am doing. Delinting the bathroom isn’t high up on my list of likes (shocking, I know) but doing so keeps us from breathing lint and avoids that “did I just walk into a belly button?” feeling. And I know no one will be all “Wow, Mama, you delinted the bathroom! Thank you!” but just knowing that it’s clean for them is enough. Running the house takes my focus off of meeeeeeeeeeee and puts it where it belongs – on my family. It’s a constant self-sacrifice.

Sometimes, I do lose focus and things tend to pile up around here. Sometimes I let things go and make sure we’re clean and fed – I’ve been in that mode all week, actually. Clean clothes, clean dishes, food, no safety hazards, check. Part of the self-sacrifice is letting go of my perfectionistic tendencies and letting things be if I can’t physically do it, or ask Greg to help me out. It’s all about balance, which of course is right up my alley.

Running the house is more than something “to do” or something I have to do, even. It’s a way for me to show love in little, unseen ways; to root out things like perfectionism and pride, and live my vocation fully.

Lent officially begins today, and I’ve already had a rough day. I think it’s one part due to pregnancy hormones and one part due to the Other Side not liking what all is going on. Greg, Elise, and I all made it to Mass for our ashes (Elise thought our ashes were OH SO FASCINATING, thank God she didn’t realize that she had ashes, as well!). A very good way to end the day, if I can say so.

I’m trying not to be weary of Lent already, or at least the unrelenting temptations and assorted battles that I have had to face today thus far. I know that I have an entire Heavenly army to help me along my way, not to mention the grace of God is far stronger than anything the Other Side can send my way, but I almost feel like I’m being kicked while I’m down.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new “NOW” to turn back to God and to cling to Him. As long as I keep focused on God, it will all work out in the end.

I think a conclusion has finally been reached with what I’m going to do for Lent. Since I’m pregnant (and my OB has expressed that I do NOT need to be losing weight in this final stretch) and will be nursing; I am exempted from the Lenten fasts relating to food. Or rather, I get to replace the food fasts with a fast of something else, that won’t be detrimental to me or Little One.

Since Lent is more than just fasting (fasting, alms, and prayer, for the record); here’s my plan:

Fasting: The biggest thing that I can fast from that I need to is the Internet. I looked at my largest time-sinks and will be giving those up for Lent, with the exception of News Of Little One. Surprisingly, blogging isn’t a giant time-sink and is quite beneficial to me, so I will be (trying to) write regularly here.

Alms: I want to spend more quality time with both Greg and Elise (as well as Little One, when the time comes). We both agreed that we want to take at least one night a week and devote that totally to being with our little family, including Rosary time, games, and so on. Greg’s going to be in charge of that. I also want to spend more quality time with God in silence – which absolutely terrifies me but I know I need to do so in order to be able to more clearly hear Him. Or at least, not tune Him out which I tend to do from time to time.

Prayer: In addition to my regular prayer routine (now tweaked to allow for me to sleep in and Elise to party in the mornings when she chooses), I want to make a daily Morning Offering and stay close to God by praying “little prayers” throughout the day.

Anne linked up this page about creating a personal Lenten program that I found very beneficial and helped me to decide and commit to my little Lenten program. I also like Aggie Catholic’s Lenten Mega-Post, which has all sorts of answers to questions, explanations about Lent, suggestions, webpages, and so on.

Lent is one of my favorite times of the Liturgical Year, so indulge me in my little “YAY LENT!” before tomorrow.

Today is the memorial of Our Lady of Lourdes. You could say that I have a devotion to St. Bernadette (my patron!) and Our Lady of Lourdes, because they are apart of my journey Home. It’s amusing – to me at least – that St. Bernadette led me to Our Lady of Lourdes, who in turn took me by the hand and put it in the hand of her Son.

I was reading an email last night on Our Lady of Lourdes, which discussed how Our Lady prayed the Rosary with St. Bernadette, but only said the Gloria (“Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit….”). The explanation stated that Our Lady, being already in Heaven; did not need to ask God for her daily bread in the Our Father, and neither did she pray the Hail Mary, since that prayer addresses her (and that would be kind of silly, really!). She prayed the Gloria with St. Bernadette because it gives glory to God, and as the email stated, “she will never miss an opportunity to give glory to God.” I never really thought of that, despite being well-versed in the apparitions and Our Lady of Lourdes. I guess it goes to show that you learn something new every day.

To celebrate today, I plan on watching The Song of Bernadette, which Greg so graciously gave me as a Christmas gift. God willing, some day I want to go to Lourdes on a pilgrimage – Greg and I talk about that quite regularly, actually. Maybe when we’re retired, we can do that.

More on Our Lady of Lourdes can be found at  Catholic Saint of the Day, or you can visit the official website for Lourdes.

Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us!

Matthew 6:25-34 really needs to be my focus for the next 5 weeks. I have been overwhelmed with worry and anxiety, mainly with Little One. Everything is fine, fine, fine at the last pre-natal appointment; but I’m overly concerned about whether or not the baby is head down. My OB will check at the next appointment (in 2 weeks), and from the kicks I’ve been feeling I think we’re in the right position, but I’m not entirely sure. I suppose it’s something entirely silly to be worrying over, but alas; here I am and that’s my worry right now.

I like to try to let God take control whenever I can (as I’ve found it it’s so much easier that way) and to me, this worrying about Little One’s position (unfounded, no less) implies that I still haven’t fully given up the control of this pregnancy. While the chances are slim that Little One is in a wonky position and will stay there until delivery, what if that’s what the Good Lord wants? How am I reacting? Is worrying going to change how Little One is positioned? Probably not.

Also high up on my worry list is “how am I going to do this?!?!?!?” With the due date coming closer (and closer, and closer), I guess I’m starting to get those pre-birth jitters and worries. How am I going to wrangle two kids into the pediatrician’s office? How am I going to make sure both kids get enough time with each of us (especially Elise)?

My heart knows that I will be able to wrangle two kids into the pediatrician’s office and everything will fall into place like it did with Elise. I know that whatever position Dr. M finds Little One in at 36 weeks is the will of God; and if the baby is breech (I’d be shocked at that) or transverse (I wouldn’t be shocked at that), we can work on moving to a more head down position or just proceed from there. Hopefully Little One will be head down and all my worrying will be in vain. If I remain open to God and His grace, I’ll survive the last part of this pregnancy and recovery on top of that that delightful “feed me around the clock!” newborn stage and the Terrible Two’s In Full Glory and potty training and ….

The hard part is convincing my mind, in all reality. Maybe that’s how the Apostles felt at the Crucifixion – perhaps they believed in their heart that Christ is the Messiah, but after they laid Him in that tomb – did their minds ever think “okay, this guy is dead, there’s no way he can be the Messiah.”

I think the two biggest things I should keep in mind (always, not just during pregnancy) are “I am not in control” and “Jesus, I trust in You.“

1.
I delinted the bathroom today! Our dryer vents into the bathroom, so I’m forever delinting most of our little apartment. The bathroom is especially frustrating, as lint gets into everything and eventually it’s like walking into a sock, or perhaps someone’s navel. I finally had enough (or maybe had some nesting energy) and delinted the thing. Whooooooo!

2.
After delinting the bathroom, I successfully kept Elise from trying to get into the toilet AND cleaned the sink. Toothpaste, little hairs from Greg shaving, soap bits, and yes, lint; all removed.

3.
At 3:30 this morning, Elise had a giant nightmare and required Immediate Mama Assistance. She ended up spending the rest of the night in our bed, and before I fell back asleep I had the urge to make a spiritual communion. I figured there was a Mass going on SOMEWHERE in the world at 3:30a my time. It was very beneficial spiritually, and I’ve found that at times today when I want to be frustrated / whine or complain / wank; I get that little voice saying “Maybe you should make a spiritual communion.”

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See what others are celebrating over at Faith and Family Live.

I’m sure to most people, I come off very cold. At least, at first. I’ve always been shy and definitely not a “people person” (groups of people wear me out, honestly). I have a lot of social anxiety and despite many sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy in college, it’s still something I struggle with. You’d be surprised if I detailed how agonizing it is for me to make a phone call under ordinary circumstances. It’s not surprising then, that the main venue for me to hash out things, work out problems, or vent is through writing. The paper is much more patient and forgiving than people, I’ve found.

Over the past couple of days, situations have been presented to me that leave me at a loss for words. I suppose it gives the impression that I don’t care, I’m not interested, or am not affected by what’s happening; when on the inside it’s the opposite. Sometimes I feel like a poor friend, a bad wife, or whatever simply because I just … lose my words. I don’t know if I’ve lost friends over all this but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had.

There is one thing that I can do, which is pray. I do pray hard for the people in those situations and the situations for themselves. I never really know how to pray for them but at least the Good Lord knows my downfalls and my lack of words. Not that I need any words, for that matter.

Maybe in the future I’ll be less anxious and have words to say in situations, when they come up. But until then, I try not to worry about it, and make sure I’m praying.