It hasn’t been fun, after receiving some MAJOR attitude from some professionals outside the E.R. [...]]]> Don’t worry, it’s all procedural. Greg’s shunt has been flaky, this time resulting in overpressure as opposed to under pressure. We’re in the E.R., waiting for The Neurosurgeon or his partner to show up and talk with us.

It hasn’t been fun, after receiving some MAJOR attitude from some professionals outside the E.R. The doctor and nurses in the E.R. are angels, thankfully.

Please pray for wisdom for the doctors and all the other people in the E.R.

It’s been a fun Christmas, except for that dull ache inside me. It’s so hard not to have that ache, when the entire world is focused on the birth of an Infant. It’s hard not to think “boy, I would be 32 or 36 weeks pregnant right now … we would [...]]]> So, it’s Christmas.

It’s been a fun Christmas, except for that dull ache inside me. It’s so hard not to have that ache, when the entire world is focused on the birth of an Infant. It’s hard not to think “boy, I would be 32 or 36 weeks pregnant right now … we would be preparing for our own baby.”

Yes, I have had multiple crying meltdowns over it all this past weekend. It’s so frustrating, especially since some people (well-intentioned) are beginning the “so, when are you going to have another?” questions.

How do you tell them that without injected blood thinners, carrying a child to term is a risky and (as we found out this summer) sometimes fatal proposition for the unborn baby?

How do you tell them that you’re now on a few medications that make having a baby Really Not A Good Idea – and that it may stay that way for a few years.

How do you tell them about the ache inside, the desire for another baby but the realization that it’s just not in God’s time right now?

How do you tell them about the isolation you feel? How you have to ‘get over it’ or ‘keep it together’, depending on who you’re with? How you (still) feel like a freak of nature, and that no one really understands (unless they’ve also been through multiple miscarriages). And that the next time you do become pregnant (God-willing), it won’t be this happy joy-filled time, but rather a time of close medical monitoring, needles, and heightened anxiety?

I’ve found you can’t, rather just hope they don’t notice the misty eyes as I mumble something along the lines of “It’s not the will of God right now.”

To our dear sweet babies, who are so patiently waiting for us in Heaven; pray for your poor Mother who aches to hold you so intensely right now.

And to the Mothers who have walked this extremely painful and lonely road, pray for me. And I am praying for you.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, it’s been a few weeks since my last update. There have been some struggles in my life, to put it mildly. As one could expect, two back-to-back miscarriages caught with me, mentally [...]]]> Come apart into a desert place, and rest a little.
~ Mark 6:31

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, it’s been a few weeks since my last update. There have been some struggles in my life, to put it mildly. As one could expect, two back-to-back miscarriages caught with me, mentally speaking. I started having panic attacks (frequently). I became very angry. I stopped sleeping at night, my hair started falling out, I started losing weight.

I saw my doctor at the urging of several people, who realized something major was going on. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I also made an appointment with a psychiatrist, saw him, and got my medication adjusted and a diagnosis I already knew (depression), one that I didn’t know (panic disorder), and a third one that I really surprised me and I only feel comfortable sharing with certain people. Someday, I’ll tell the world. I’m not there yet though.

I see a therapist next week to begin working on coping with the miscarriages, the panic, and the third diagnosis. Already though, the medication has been a tremendous help. I gained the weight I lost back, I stopped losing my hair. I sleep really well at night and I’m not angry. I feel like a new person. Living no longer feels like a chore.

The reason why I’m coming forth with all this is that this is a major life-changing deal for me – the Third Diagnosis I’ve always had symptoms for but never knew what I was experiencing was abnormal. The medication has helped so much in that regard, and I’m nervous but giddy about non-medicinal ways of coping. I have no idea what life is like without symptoms of the Third Diagnosis, and I finally have help to get as close as I can with it.

Another reason why I’m being (mostly) upfront about all this mental stuff is that stuff like this needs to be talked about. I’ve been depressed in the past and thought perhaps I’m depressed again; but pride and fear kept me from getting help. Only when I was clearly a mess did I get the help I so desperately needed. It’s hard asking for help for me, when I spend my days making sure everyone else is taken care of.

But, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to go to a doctor, to get on medication, to get into therapy, to get help with life. It’s not an indicator of a lack of faith, a smiting by God, or “revenge”. It has nothing to do with one’s character, parenting ability, or anything like that.

Gratefully, in addition to the therapist and the psychiatrist, I also have Fr. Anonymous helping me with the spiritual side of all this. This is truly a Cross, especially the Third Diagnosis. But, it’s a Cross I have many people helping me with.

Right now, I am in the desert. It has been a painful desert, but a fruitful desert. I have no idea the point of all this, but I accept it. I have yet to see the fruit of the desert but I know it is there, and I will know it.

Please pray for me, and I hope to return to semi-regular writing soon.

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with my doctor, and I’m ready to get the bloodwork going. We have a small list of possibilities for this miscarriage, and whether or not I have a bloodclotting disorder is next up on the chopping block. Maybe it’s the nerd in [...]]]> I am feeling worn out these days.

Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with my doctor, and I’m ready to get the bloodwork going. We have a small list of possibilities for this miscarriage, and whether or not I have a bloodclotting disorder is next up on the chopping block. Maybe it’s the nerd in me, or that I just want answers; but I really am ready to get this going and start the process. I’m praying that it won’t take a long time to run the needed tests, and that if I do have to speak to a geneticist or someone along those lines, they will respect our Faith and values.

The hormonal roller-coaster has subsided – physically – but it feels like the emotional one is just beginning. The nurse at the hospital told me to watch around 2 weeks post D&C to see if I start showing signs of post-partum depression. I honestly don’t know if I am or not. I think I might still be in so much shock that I’ve built up a cocoon to cope, but eventually it will come down.

I need to go on a vacation. I know exactly where I want to go, it’s a matter of getting the Mom-Mobile’s transmission checked to make sure there won’t be any surprises on the way there and back. I want to go somewhere that has good geology, good beer (hey, if I’m not pregnant, I may as have one or two, right?), good sights to see, and good people to talk to. In a Perfect World, I’d actually go to Canada, because there’s a place way up North that captured my heart back in the day of college years. I want to go back and see what’s changed and check out the Precambrian rocks. But until that day dawns, I know where to go.

All that aside, pray that my doctor has wisdom in all this. Pray for … I don’t know what with the bloodwork, other than God’s will. Pray that I don’t wear out any further, and that I don’t develop PPD. But if I do, pray for me that I can recognize it early on and get it treated.

Not long after our miscarriage in May, we were cautiously excited to learn we were expecting again. Immediate bloodwork was done, progesterone was started. The betas were fabulous and I could stop [...]]]> There was a post I had in Drafts, praying so hard it could see the light of the Internet. It could not.

Not long after our miscarriage in May, we were cautiously excited to learn we were expecting again. Immediate bloodwork was done, progesterone was started. The betas were fabulous and I could stop progesterone if I wanted to (I didn’t, I was too paranoid). Time chugged on, weeks turned into more weeks, I felt horrible, we were happy.

Yesterday was the standard first trimester ultrasound. There were problems from the start – the technician couldn’t see the baby abdominally. “You’re probably just earlier than you thought.” she said. Thanks to charting, we knew that could not have been, the earliest we could have been was 10 weeks.

Further viewing confirmed our fifth baby died around week 6. That would have been the end of June, first part of July. The last thing I remember seeing of the ultrasound was our sweet baby, absolutely perfect for 6 weeks, and the technician typing “No FHTs” so the image could go into my chart.

The technician was the same one who did the ultrasound in May that also showed the baby was not where he or she should have been age-wise. She was very upset for us, she, too; was hoping for a happy ultrasound.

I see my doctor today for two things: to more than likely schedule a D&C (it’s been over 5 weeks and I have no signs of miscarriage) and to determine what is going on. Three miscarriages does all sorts of things. You get a whole boatload of bloodwork done to test for well, a whole boatload of things. Insurance (finally) covers the ridiculous expense of having said testing. And I’m sure many more things happen.

We are very shocked and devastated. Everything looked so good in the beginning, my doctor basically said to sit back and gestate. He was called out to emergency surgery yesterday, so I can imagine his surprise when he reads through my charts for this afternoon’s appointment. He was so shocked and surprised we lost the baby in May, I can’t imagine he would be anything but shocked and surprised we lost this baby, as well.

I still stand by everything I wrote in this post. We still don’t subscribe to any kind of thought that we are being punished or that God doesn’t want us to have more kids, so we’ll miscarry every baby between now and menopause. We sure don’t understand what is going on, why we lost yet another child. The pain isn’t any less, if anything; it’s more. But, we know that everything works for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28). And that He has a plan, even though we have no idea what it is. All we can do right now is cling to the Cross, and trust Him. It’s hard, though.

Please pray for us. I know you will, you all are good about that sort of thing. It’s going to be a long road to recovery, but I am hoping the D&C will be a step in the right direction.

Greg is now the newest victim of hand-foot-mouth disease. He says his hands are burning with the rash, he has it all over his face, general fatigue, and just overall feeling yucky. He also had a high fever (100*F, for the man who runs around 97*, that’s pretty [...]]]> One good turn deserves another, right?

Greg is now the newest victim of hand-foot-mouth disease. He says his hands are burning with the rash, he has it all over his face, general fatigue, and just overall feeling yucky. He also had a high fever (100*F, for the man who runs around 97*, that’s pretty high) and all the assorted fun that goes with high fevers.

It’s unknown how long he’ll be out of work for.

So now this means I’m the only one of our immediate family who hasn’t gotten it. Please, God; don’t let me get it!!

Kindly pray for Greg – Benedict is doing pretty well, thanks be to God.

Unless something changes, we most likely lost the baby. I started doing more than just bleed late this afternoon. The irony is that my progesterone was low. I had the bottle of progesterone in my hand. [...]]]> I don’t like writing this post. In a sense, though; I am relieved to be writing this post.

Unless something changes, we most likely lost the baby. I started doing more than just bleed late this afternoon. The irony is that my progesterone was low. I had the bottle of progesterone in my hand. We were simply too late.

Naturally, there are many, many questions resulting because of this. Today was my OB’s day off, so another OB looked at my labs. And for some reason, he noticed my low progesterone but never did anything about it (at least, the nurse never said that the doctor ordered progesterone). The nurse wanted to check HCG levels to see if they doubled – I pushed her into getting me some progesterone.

Someone dropped the ball, and as a result; a baby is lost.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB and I plan on asking him what on God’s green earth happened. And what’s going to happen when I get another positive pregnancy test – what is he going to do? Start me on progesterone immediately? Order bloodwork ASAP?

I also don’t want the nurse who I talked to today, the one who simply wanted me to wait and see if HCG doubled, I don’t want her ever looking at my charts or working with me on a pregnancy. I don’t think I’m overreacting. I don’t trust her, and I only want people I trust around me.

I have full confidence that had Dr. M saw my labs, he would have immediately started me on progesterone. And not waited until 4pm to tell me so.

I know a lot of people have been praying for me and our little one (we’re working on figuring out a name right now) and I truly think your prayers have made this a grace filled experience. Everything that happened with my first miscarriage was ‘undone’ with this one – less bleeding, less pain (on all fronts), and more acceptance. That’s where the relief comes in. I still plan on taking the progesterone until we make absolutely sure that we did indeed lose the baby and that my HCG is dropping.

On the upside, we have another child who will know only perfect happiness. Another child who will pray for us, who will never know sin, pain, death, fear, sadness, and all the stuff we deal with because of Original Sin. God loves us immensely, to send us such a painful Cross to have. This is probably the first time in my whole life where I have had a complete and total acceptance of that Cross, and total trust in God, regardless of the outcome. So much good has come from this, I stand in awe watching it all.

[T]he Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away: as it hath pleased the Lord so is it done: blessed be the name of the Lord.
~ Job 1:21

Any and all posts I had written in my head disappeared this afternoon, when I began spotting. And not ‘old blood’ spotting, [...]]]> Okay, so I had all these great ideas for writing this post. In fact, I started hinting about it – that’s what those two medical appointments are about. Obstetrical appointments. BABY APPOINTMENTS!!

Any and all posts I had written in my head disappeared this afternoon, when I began spotting. And not ‘old blood’ spotting, either. New blood spotting. I called my OB, who had me come in right away. We chatted, and since I had an ultrasound scheduled this Thursday, he opted to have it done today. We were hoping to get more answers, instead … not so much.

The good news is that there’s nothing abnormal. And the best news is that we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac (at least, the ultrasound tech thought it was the yolk sac). Dr. M says that is 100% NORMAL for this stage, and it also means I am super early along. I’m shocked because I got a positive pregnancy test on May 2nd. That baby glowed, let me assure you.

At any rate, he had some blood drawn to check my HCG and progesterone levels. If the HCG and progesterone are good, he’ll redraw on Thursday to make sure everything looks good on that front. So, we’re in a waiting game.

Good news: we’re seeing in my uterus what we should be seeing for an early pregnancy. I’m nauseated, tired, moody, and the like.

“Bad” news: I have to wait still before feeling less on edge. And of course, we don’t have a due date (the ultrasound machine wouldn’t give us one yet).

SO, get out your Rosaries! Let’s storm Heaven for our little Bean, that he or she sticks around and arrives in January 2012!

St. Gerard, pray for us.
St. Bernadette, pray for us.
Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us.

Jesus, I Trust in You!