It hasn’t been easy – waking up early means going to bed early. It [...]]]> I like to think I’m not totally insane for deciding that 0530 is a good time to wake up. In fact, I end up getting a lot accomplished. And, I’ve been faithful to that wake-up time for two weeks now.

It hasn’t been easy – waking up early means going to bed early. It also means getting out of bed – which is usually quite warm and into the day – which is usually not as warm as our bed is.

The coffee maker helps, as long as Greg or I remember to get it ready to brew at 0520. Greg, the always early bird, is usually up before my alarm goes off; and begins to unload the dishwasher while I drag myself out to the kitchen.

The best part of waking up (besides Mystic Monk in my cup)? The time with Greg. We’re (relatively) awake, and can discuss things that need to be discussed without virgin ears in the presence. Or we can pray Morning Prayer together. Or just sit and watch the sunrise. By the time the kids get themselves out of bed, I’m fed and watered, dressed, the kitchen is ready for the kid’s breakfast, I have a load of laundry in, bonded with my husband sans kids, I’ve prayed, read the daily Mass readings, and whatever else needs to be done. I have gotten a lot done, and I can focus on the kids totally as opposed to trying to multi-task.

It works for me. I don’t feel trashed in the evening, like I thought I would. I do admit, I “sleep in” on the weekends … usually up around 0630 or even (*gasp*) 0700.

There’s been a couple other posts about waking up early floating around the Blogosphere: one by Jen and the other by Brandon. I agree with both posts and the points they raise.

Waking up early works for me. It may not for you, and that’s OK. But, if you think you’d like to get up early – give it a shot. I’ll even send you a reminder email if you want, once I peel myself out from under my luscious down comforter.

Farmer John arrives at the Nativity on January 5th, announcing the arrival of the Wise Men on January 6th.

A most blessed Epiphany of the Lord!

Allow me to jump on the bandwagon.

Last year I read 49 books. Which isn’t bad, considering if you look at my “Books [...]]]> One of the things I love about the New Year is that the blogosphere is abuzz with everyone’s favorite books from 2011, and their recommendations for books to read in 2012.

Allow me to jump on the bandwagon.

Last year I read 49 books. Which isn’t bad, considering if you look at my “Books of 2011” page, you can totally see when the depression took over my life (hint: it was August). I read a lot of good books, but there’s one that tops them all.

The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by Fr. James Martin, S.J.

I almost didn’t finish this book because I was so depressed and this book is a bit long, and I didn’t know much about Ignatian spirituality and I am firmly monastic and St. Ignatius scares me and I actually had a Jesuit tell me to stop reading St. Ignatius’s Spiritual Exercises because I was asking WAY too many questions and we decided that it’s not in my best spiritual interest to read the Exercises right now. But, because I rarely not finish a book, I soldiered on with the Jesuit guide. I finished it, and then decided I would absolutely need to get a copy of it. And read it again (which I have).

If you’ve ever been depressed, you know the interior monologue of a depressed person usually consists of:

I’m no good.

There is nothing good about me.

Everything I do is wrong.

I am worthless.

I am unlovable.

With that in mind, I’m sure you can understand how words like this rocked my world:

“My biggest misconception was that I would have to change before approaching God. Like many beginners in the spiritual life, I felt I wasn’t worthy to approach God. … I confessed this … “What do I need to do before I can relate to God?” I asked. “Nothing,” he [Fr. Martin's spiritual director at the time] said. “God meets you where you are.” (page 81)

“In such “still small” ways as emotions, insights, memories, feelings, and desires, God speaks to us in prayer.” (page 133)

[on Ignatian contemplation] “Using my imagination wasn’t so much making things up, as it was trusting that my imagination could help to lead me to the one who created it: God.” (page 146)

And yes, perhaps I’ve heard these messages before but they never really sank in. It wasn’t until when I was so broken and open to God that they sank in. And have not removed themselves since.

Chapter Eleven, entitled “Surrendering to the Future” is all about obedience, acceptance, and suffering. God knows how deep the pain of the miscarriages are, the frustration with myself as I try and manage not one but three different “mental disorders” all while being a wife, a mom, singing in the parish choir, and just life in general. If I could quote the entire chapter, I would.

There’s something deeply Benedictine about St. Ignatius and Ignatian spirituality. Obviously, it has its differences but there is a lot of overlap and fleshing out of Benedictine spirituality. At least, that’s how I see it. It turns out there’s a reason for that:

“So in 1522, at the age of thirty-one, he made a pilgrimage to the Benedictine abbey in Montserrat, Spain, where with a dramatic gesture right out of his beloved books on chivalry, he stripped off “all his garments and gave them to a beggar.” Then, he laid his armor and sword before a statue of the Virgin Mary. (page 13)

Fr. Martin goes on to write that St. Ignatius spent a year in a small town nearby (Manresa) where he was subjected to something I’ve been subjected to myself: “a great spiritual dryness, worried obsessively about his sins, and was even tempted to commit suicide.” (ibid.)

Now, I’ve not been tempted to commit suicide anytime recently, so don’t go there. But the spiritual dryness, the obsessive worrying about his sins (aka, scruples) – been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. So, in a way, I feel like St. Ignatius “gets it” – as much as a soldier-turned-priest and founder of a religious order from the 16th century can understand a wife and mother in the 21st century. And not only does he “get it”, he let God use it and turn it into something totally snazzy.

So, after reading the Jesuit guide twice I can say that I feel like I know a little more about Ignatian spirituality, I still am firmly monastic but St. Ignatius isn’t scary at all (in fact, I feel down right chummy with him), I’m not depressed (thanks to good medicine, spiritual direction, frequenting the Sacraments, seeing a therapist, and self-care), and maybe at some point in my life I will actually read the Spiritual Exercises. In a perfect world, I would “do the Exercises” but until the Jesuits actually come to my little po-dunk town, I don’t think that will be happening any time soon. But I am asking God to arrange that, so let’s see what He does.

I’m a little embarrassed by the outpouring of prayers, well wishes, and support from my last post. Right after I posted that post, I thought “Wow, this is kind of heavy, especially after being gone for a while. Perhaps I should talk about this at a later time.”

I am glad that [...]]]> Wow, y’all.

I’m a little embarrassed by the outpouring of prayers, well wishes, and support from my last post. Right after I posted that post, I thought “Wow, this is kind of heavy, especially after being gone for a while. Perhaps I should talk about this at a later time.”

I am glad that I did write all that up. It helps to process things, and because the three diagnosis are pretty much THE BIGGEST THING EVER right now; that’s all I’m thinking about. I figured I could always hide it, but that probably wouldn’t serve me well in the long run.

I’ve gone through and responded to all your loving comments, and am grateful for each and every one of you. I really don’t know what to say other than that, and trust that God will bless you all in a special way.

Fr. Anonymous wants me to cultivate gratitude, as part of dealing with the Third Diagnosis but also with the other two. I am definitely grateful for all of you.

* perfectionism: how it can benefit me, how it can hurt me, and its proper place in my life * I joined the parish Choir, which means I have plenty of musical escapades [...]]]> Now that the house is done, what will I write about? Like I have any shortage of things to write about:

* perfectionism: how it can benefit me, how it can hurt me, and its proper place in my life
* I joined the parish Choir, which means I have plenty of musical escapades going on (and am singing some absolutely gorgeous music)
* making our house a home and getting on a new normal
* one book that seriously reworked my entire prayer life (and shocking, it’s not written by Archbishop Sheen nor is it Benedictine in nature)
* an upcoming presentation I’m giving with the other local Benedictine Oblate about … Benedictine Oblates! If you’re local and want more information, drop me a comment.
* our massive purge of stuff that is so therapeutic it’s not even funny.

We thoroughly love our house and while there was plenty of wank while building it, it was so utterly worth it. It’s so clean, bright, uncluttered, NEW – it truly is a sanctuary for us. The babies are also enjoying it, they have so much more room to RUN and PLAY.

I’m still waiting for reality to set in, right now everything (and everyone) is still in a little bit of a shock, to put it mildly.

It involves boxes.

And many trips in the car with said boxes full of stuff.

And eventually emptying said boxes into our beautiful new house, and repeating the process.

The City re-inspected our house this morning and signed off at about 0915. Major Dad told me at 0920, [...]]]> Guess what I’ve done all day.

It involves boxes.

And many trips in the car with said boxes full of stuff.

And eventually emptying said boxes into our beautiful new house, and repeating the process.

The City re-inspected our house this morning and signed off at about 0915. Major Dad told me at 0920, and I think the first load of stuff + babies was in the house by 1000. Apparently we didn’t need an Engineer to view the house, he just did a drive-by to check sidewalks and curbs. And who knows about the Water Department, but we have the piece of paper saying we can legally move in, so I’m not worried!

Deo Gratias!

Now, the fun part is here: making our house, our HOME.

According to the Building Department, as well as having a City Inspector come out, we need an Engineer and someone from the Water Department also to come out and inspect. [...]]]> The City is inspecting the house now. Normally, I’d be on pins and needles. But there’s a catch – there’s always a catch, right?

According to the Building Department, as well as having a City Inspector come out, we need an Engineer and someone from the Water Department also to come out and inspect. This makes no sense, because should the Engineer and/or the Water Department find something they don’t like (God forbid) … it’s kind of hard to fix it since the house is finished. We did have people out inspecting when the house was a concrete slab, and again when before we put in the drywall. So I’m praying THAT was all the inspecting we needed by an Engineer and the Water Department.

Furthermore, the City Inspector is supposed to inspect everything – structure, plumbing, electricity, building codes, energy efficiency, ground elevation, etc – so I’m not sure why we need more inspections by other people, anyway.

The really frustrating thing about the Engineer and the Water Department is that the City’s Building Department coordinates and schedules the extra inspectors to come out and inspect. So far, unless Major Dad received news from the City Inspector; the extra inspections haven’t even been scheduled yet.

*sigh*

I’m still praying and hoping that Major Dad will show up in a little bit with a freshly inked document saying we can legally move in, or at least a better idea of 1) if we even need the extra inspections and 2) when they will be.

Well, never mind that. The word from Major Dad is that we did not pass the final inspection. Apparently there are three (THREE) little things we have to do – it should take us about 1/2 a day to make the changes. Once we make those changes, we get another final inspection. Fun times!