We’ve been busy around here recently, mainly helping Elise make those next big steps in her life – sleeping sans crib. Her crib broke, so we took the opportunity to transition her to something without bars. We’ve had absolutely no problems with her new little sleeping set-up, and that’s a great blessing to be had. She’s also mastered the art of drinking from a cup – no straws or lids – after about a day or so of spills. It’s so amazing to see how much she’s accomplished in the last 18 months.

Obviously, no word on the Little One front; other than standard crampiness and me still being ready to give birth. Greg doesn’t think I’ll make it to the due date, but I’m not entirely sure on that. I’m starting to be more at peace with the fact that I am so incredibly uncomfortable but there are absolutely no substantial contractions happening or anything that would make think LO will be here soon. I know labor can get started with a bang or a whisper – Elise’s labor started very whisperlike, so perhaps Little One will be my ‘bang’ labor.

I guess I’m just ready to get onto the next leg of things – physically, mentally, spiritually. I’m ready to meet the little person that I’ve been nourishing since June of 2009, ready to see what life will be like with 2 under 2 (for a few more months, at least) or scarier to most people – two in diapers. We’re ready to greet this new little soul, to care for and protect and teach the Faith to and be frustrated and scared and stressed out all at the same time. I think Greg and I would be lying if we said we weren’t on some level scared (terrified?), but we know that God doesn’t give more than we can handle. I’m trying to find the lessons He’s telling us in this wait, this wait that has felt like geological eons despite being only months.

Regardless, there are at the most 15 days (or perhaps 16 or 17) left between the mysterious Little One and actually having our first face to face meeting. Despite my impatience and readiness, I am enjoying the time with Elise as “an only child” – our one on one time that will be treasured moreso than ever when Little One arrives. It’s bittersweet in a way – we’re ready to get going but at the same time, would like to pause time for now and keep Elise little and Little One entirely safe.

Today is the Third Monday of Lent, and I’ve had ample opportunity to reflect on how Lent has been thus far. One on hand, it’s been a harder Lent than usual, thanks to random bouts of Braxton-Hicks contractions, the effects on me physically, mentally, and spiritually that being this pregnant has had, and a few other struggles with myself. Despite that, it has been absolutely phenomenal – I can see clearer and clear the things that separate me from the love of Our Lord but rather than feel overwhelmed by it all, I feel humbled knowing that God is helping me root them out and cast them into the fire, so to speak.

Little One’s pregnancy makes this Lent extra challenging because I’m a hormonal cup of tea and often have false labor. I’m sure you can see how that alone makes for a tired, frustrated person; and it is so easy to use that as a scapegoat and just be nasty to everyone around me. Some times I feel like it’s a giant drag to be faithful to my prayer routine and my Lenten disciplines; but it is at those times particularly that I know I need to pray and do them, and it is in those times that I find the deepest blessings and reap the greatest fruit.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen when Little One decides to breathe air, but I know it will be vital for me to stick with my prayer routine and Lenten disciplines. And I know that God will give me the grace (and energy) to do so, as long as I remain open to Him. He has so much to give me, beyond my imagination; as long as I stay open to Him. He has yet to lead me into error or away from Him … but like most humans, I still find it hard to be open to Him. Or at least, be fully open to Him. I still care (too much) about what other people think, and I know it’s something I need to deal with. And I know what’s keeping me from actually dealing with it – maybe I should spent the remaining part of Lent whittling it away.

One of the books I’m utilizing this Lent is Lenten Meditations with Fulton J. Sheen. Each day has a short quote from Archbishop Sheen, and a verse from Sacred Scripture that reflects what he’s trying to convey. I particularly like today’s:

One of the beautiful effects of hope is that it relieves us of the morbid fear of failure…As pride grows less in us, there is an an accompanying relief from our old terror of humiliation through failure. Once God and obedience to His will have become our all-encompassing desire, fear of the hostility of others completely evaporates; we are ready to be “fools for Christ.” (p.21)

Something worth remembering; for me at least.

Exspectantes posted a post yesterday afternoon that really has me thinking. Her thoughts on making a home, especially why it’s so important to her.

I suppose this isn’t shocking to anyone, but my mom is the typical ‘Type A personality’ (which is something her and I get a lot of laughs out of). I’m somewhat Type A, but not to the extreme my mom is. Growing up, I remember coming home from school and finding her washing the ceiling, the walls, that sort of thing. She stayed home with us kids until we were in school, then worked part-time. Somehow, she ALWAYS found time (and energy!) to keep the house in amazing condition. Now that I am All Grown Up and Taking Care Of My Own House, I’m shocked at how much there is to keeping a house. She made it look so easy.

I suppose most people think that my need for keeping house is somehow tied up in my growing up environment (kind of – I hate clutter but I will NOT be washing my walls; unless it’s delinting the bathroom – and even that is just using a dry rag) or the fact that as a stay at home Mama, I’m bored and therefore keeping house is something to do. Or that I have some weird fantasy that’s rooted in deep nostalgia and keeping house is a way of venting that. For me, keeping house – cleaning it, making meals, clutter control and so on – is more than just making it safe for us to live in or not be tripping over all sorts of stuff. Greg and I are firm believers in the sense that the home is more than just a place to sleep, eat, and stay clean; but rather a place to come and retreat to. A place where everyone may not get along all the time, but we all love each other immensely and are a family.

The things that are required of me to run the house, I try to remember to do those as little acts of love. Much like St. Therese of Lisieux’s “little way” – doing the most mundane (and sometimes smelly tasks) with love. It doesn’t make things smell better or be less boring; but it helps to keep my focus as to WHY I am actually doing what I am doing. Delinting the bathroom isn’t high up on my list of likes (shocking, I know) but doing so keeps us from breathing lint and avoids that “did I just walk into a belly button?” feeling. And I know no one will be all “Wow, Mama, you delinted the bathroom! Thank you!” but just knowing that it’s clean for them is enough. Running the house takes my focus off of meeeeeeeeeeee and puts it where it belongs – on my family. It’s a constant self-sacrifice.

Sometimes, I do lose focus and things tend to pile up around here. Sometimes I let things go and make sure we’re clean and fed – I’ve been in that mode all week, actually. Clean clothes, clean dishes, food, no safety hazards, check. Part of the self-sacrifice is letting go of my perfectionistic tendencies and letting things be if I can’t physically do it, or ask Greg to help me out. It’s all about balance, which of course is right up my alley.

Running the house is more than something “to do” or something I have to do, even. It’s a way for me to show love in little, unseen ways; to root out things like perfectionism and pride, and live my vocation fully.

All the pain from yesterday has subsided. Which I guess is okay, Greg can testify that I was pretty crabby by the end of the day.  I think it stopped sometime overnight, because I haven’t noticed it today. That’s about 14+ hours of pain – yuck.

On the upside, Little One did drop (a lot) last night. Ironically enough, I feel bunches more comfortable and could probably make it to April, if I had to. While I’m not ashamed to say that I hope I deliver soon; I’m glad to finally be considerably more comfortable than how I have been. Granted, there’s always the downside of living in the bathroom; but I’m not too annoyed by that (yet).

Tomorrow is the 37 week appointment, the Group B Strep test and the time we figure out what position Little One is in. Then I get to do the weeklies until delivery. My little partner in crime (well, the one on the outside at least) will be staying with Grandma due to me getting the GBS test. Considering Elise’s love of the trash, I figured it would be best to have her not come. Otherwise she would most likely have the entire trash emptied out in the time it takes to do the test! It will be weird to not have her with me – she’s been to so many OB appointments that she knows the routine, and gives me directions on where to go next. I’m sure the nurses will miss her but since this is the last of the tests, she can come with me next week.

And speaking of Elise, her 18 month checkup is on Monday (which is also Mama’s birthday, I just now realized!). I can’t believe that she’s already 18 months old. She’s so adorable and smart, and I am truly blessed to be able to stay home with her and watch her grow. Her newest accomplishments (in addition to climbing) is drinking from a lid-less cup and expanding her animal sounds vocabulary to include cows, dogs, sheep, and monkeys. She’s also experimenting with running (Lord help me!) and is extremely affectionate. She gives all her little doggies and other stuffed critters kisses before bed, and she always wants to give Jesus kisses whenever she sees any image of Him – crucifixes, the Sacred Heart, etc. She also does ‘praying hands’ and folds her little hands whenever she sees Greg and I pray, which is a very good thing, indeed.

Something that has become glaringly obvious this Lent is how I react to stress. Different kinds of stress produce in me different reactions, and not really any of them are good.

When I’m tired. I’m a basket case of emotion and crying all over the place.
When I’m in pain, my short temper comes out to play and is sent to everyone in my path.
When I’m worried, I basically shut down.

And so on. I’m more tempted to want to give up on my Lenten fasting from my two time sinks when I’m stressed, as well.  I’m so grateful that I’m picking up on these little quirks of mine early into Lent, so I can spend the next few weeks working on getting it all under control. Especially with delivery in the next 3.5 weeks (hopefully!). I think I’ve been having Braxton-Hicks contractions all morning, and they’re not really very comfortable. I’ve been struggling today, dealing with that and a very cute little Elise, who wants to climb up everything in sight. :S

Thankfully, dinner is crock-potting (lasagna) and Greg only has a couple more hours left of work. I have a lot of little prayers to get me through the day and did some good old fashioned de-compressing during Elise’s nap. But, I definitely need to find a good way to deal with stress, especially when I’m in some pretty good pain. :/

I’m happy to say that today has been oodles better than yesterday. I still am not sleeping very well (which may be part of the reason why I feel so unsteady lately), but fidelity to my little prayer routine has really been beneficial in getting through the humps of hormones and whatever the Other Side cares to launch at me. And a little pity party doesn’t always hurt, either.

Part of the reason why I am not sleeping well is due to Restless Legs Syndrome. Long-time readers/people who know me well know that I have RLS, quite badly; as well. At the worst, I was seeing a neurologist to manage it and it absolutely interfered with my life, being the key factor as to why it took me six years to finish my Bachelor’s, and why my GPA is so horrifically low. When I was pregnant with Elise, it basically went away and hadn’t really been a problem. Until now. Every single night is basically an RLS hell, to the point where I am almost in tears and seriously do dread going to bed at night.

Whether or not my RLS is back to stay is unknown. Pre-pregnancy the neuro diagnosed my RLS as idiopathic, aka, she had no idea what was causing it. Why it went away during Elise’s pregnancy until now is beyond me, but I’m hoping maybe this is more of the RLS that is tagging along with the pregnancy, and once I deliver I can get some relief. I can manage it by extreme amounts of pressure (as in, tightly wrapping my legs up) but 99% of the time it’s not effective enough to help me sleep. It basically takes the edge off. Kind of like Vitamin B6 and my morning sickness.

Something that I’m trying not to think about is what if it doesn’t go away once Little One arrives and I am stuck in severe RLS land. The medications used to treat RLS (at least, the kind that I needed and would most likely need again if this continues) are not at all baby-friendly. Not to mention, I am so tired of taking various medicines, I’m ready to be done!

I should interject here that the RLS I did have and currently am experiencing is too severe to be affected by including various vitamins in my diet or whatnot. Been there, tried that, doesn’t work. The neuro believes my RLS is caused by something in my brain that is hindering the proper absorption of iron. Interesting, no? And yes, I just had my anemia check with Dr. M and I’m peachy-keen in that department.

The nice thing about the resurgence of my RLS is that I’ve returned to having some fascinating conversations with St. Bartholomew the Apostle. I’ve made him the unofficial patron saint of RLS sufferers, given his current patronage of against neurological disorders and twitching. Not to mention being flayed alive can’t feel very comfortable; so I reckon he has an idea of what it’s like to have RLS.

Lent officially begins today, and I’ve already had a rough day. I think it’s one part due to pregnancy hormones and one part due to the Other Side not liking what all is going on. Greg, Elise, and I all made it to Mass for our ashes (Elise thought our ashes were OH SO FASCINATING, thank God she didn’t realize that she had ashes, as well!). A very good way to end the day, if I can say so.

I’m trying not to be weary of Lent already, or at least the unrelenting temptations and assorted battles that I have had to face today thus far. I know that I have an entire Heavenly army to help me along my way, not to mention the grace of God is far stronger than anything the Other Side can send my way, but I almost feel like I’m being kicked while I’m down.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new “NOW” to turn back to God and to cling to Him. As long as I keep focused on God, it will all work out in the end.

I think a conclusion has finally been reached with what I’m going to do for Lent. Since I’m pregnant (and my OB has expressed that I do NOT need to be losing weight in this final stretch) and will be nursing; I am exempted from the Lenten fasts relating to food. Or rather, I get to replace the food fasts with a fast of something else, that won’t be detrimental to me or Little One.

Since Lent is more than just fasting (fasting, alms, and prayer, for the record); here’s my plan:

Fasting: The biggest thing that I can fast from that I need to is the Internet. I looked at my largest time-sinks and will be giving those up for Lent, with the exception of News Of Little One. Surprisingly, blogging isn’t a giant time-sink and is quite beneficial to me, so I will be (trying to) write regularly here.

Alms: I want to spend more quality time with both Greg and Elise (as well as Little One, when the time comes). We both agreed that we want to take at least one night a week and devote that totally to being with our little family, including Rosary time, games, and so on. Greg’s going to be in charge of that. I also want to spend more quality time with God in silence – which absolutely terrifies me but I know I need to do so in order to be able to more clearly hear Him. Or at least, not tune Him out which I tend to do from time to time.

Prayer: In addition to my regular prayer routine (now tweaked to allow for me to sleep in and Elise to party in the mornings when she chooses), I want to make a daily Morning Offering and stay close to God by praying “little prayers” throughout the day.

Anne linked up this page about creating a personal Lenten program that I found very beneficial and helped me to decide and commit to my little Lenten program. I also like Aggie Catholic’s Lenten Mega-Post, which has all sorts of answers to questions, explanations about Lent, suggestions, webpages, and so on.

Lent is one of my favorite times of the Liturgical Year, so indulge me in my little “YAY LENT!” before tomorrow.

1.
Worst way ever to wake up: right after having a dream that you went into labor. It’s kind of a let down to wake up to no broken water and contractions and realize it was only a dream.

2.
In some effort to keep up on comments here, I’m holding them in moderation until I have time to respond to them. For the most part, I think it’s working pretty well. I’m making it my goal to respond at the end of the day, so they don’t pile up and up and up and up.

3.
Elise has learned the joys of climbing. I took a video of her climbing on Little One’s box of clothes and was going to post it here, until I realized the clothing box is see through and full of gender-specific clothing. So, cute climbing videos will have to wait until Little One is here, sorry!

4.
And in addition to climbing, Elise has popped two molars out. Nevermind taking care of the teeth in the front of her mouth, she went right to the back. Greg said it’s because we keep telling her “Grow some molars and we’ll give you some popcorn!” when she sees us eat it. Total toof count: 10. ::sniffle::

5.
I learned last night that there is only one force possible on this planet to get my Dad to stop watching “Survivor” – and that’s tell him that My Cousin the Movie Star is on a TV show with her husband. I feel bad though, as by the time I called them to watch her character had already come and gone, but at least they got to see her husband.

6.
Last night Greg and I had our monthly Date Night. We went to a local Mexican place (where the food is authentically Mexican and absolutely amazing), Dairy Queen (the Brownie Batter Blizzard is fabulous), and a grocery store for our favorite snack. I’ve discovered that when you’re gigantically pregnant (and coats don’t zip up anymore), people are really, really nice to you. Or maybe it’s because they’re terrified I’m going to somehow give birth RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

7.
I’m almost certain about what I’m going to be “doing” for Lent. I have two ideas that are quite complimentary, but haven’t fully decided that “yes, THIS is what I am going to be doing for Lent” or not. I’m hoping to have if figured out by Ash Wednesday, but if not; I’ll be taking it up to my spiritual director and letting him decide.

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Jen has more 7 Quick Takes over at her blog.