The big, fun thing to do this week is make mudpies in the yard.

Eventually, making mudpies turns into making a pond and then practicing pouring skills.

Yesterday, we went with a friend and her kids to the local lake.

Fish in the lake. The squares show where the fish are.

A bird in the tree – there were so many awesome birds to see: swallows, Canadian geese, robins, sparrows, and more!

A sunbathing turtle.

A family of Canadian geese.

posted to Elisa’s lovely link up!

Naturally I quickly jumped on the phone to correct my mom. There was no baby, I told her. Don’t get your hopes up. I told the same thing to Elise. “Ask Jesus for a baby.” I told her. “I did Mama, and He said there’s a baby in your tummy, and it’s a girl and her name is Wok.”

A couple days after that discussion, I took a pregnancy test on a whim. Two lines jumped off the stick. In shock, I called Fr. Anonymous.

“I need your help, now.” I told him.

“Why, what’s wrong?” he asked urgently.

“I’m pregnant.”

He paused a moment then burst out laughing. I ended up laughing. My concern at that point were my medicines.  And getting on the Lovenox, since I wasn’t sure how far along I was.  Not to mention miscarriage. He shared my concern, offered me his prayers, congratulated Greg and I repeatedly, and told me to relax. Let God take over.

Calls were placed, medicines were stopped, injections were started.

Six weeks later we found out there is indeed a baby in Mama’s tummy.

And yesterday, almost 4 months to the day of the positive pregnancy test; we find out that the baby in Mama’s tummy is indeed very girl.

But sorry Elise, we are not naming her Wok.

Baby Wok sucking both thumbs simultaneously

We know what we’re having, but we haven’t told everyone who want to tell … so you fine Internet folks are going to have to wait a day or two. But, Baby Wok is happy, healthy, and incredibly wiggly. Deo gratias!

I notice my anxiety and fear over miscarriage lessen. My doctor picks up on my ease. “I think we can go back to monthly visits for a little while.” Can do. The tiny person inside kicks furiously at the Doppler, making it hard to pick up the heartbeat. My doctor and I both grin. “Feisty little one, I see.” he says. We laugh.

This whole pregnancy has been one huge lesson in letting go. Really letting go. Over the last 19 weeks, I have had to let go of so many things, so many expectations. But I think the biggest thing I’ve had to let go is my fear that God doesn’t really have my life in His control.

Intellectually, I know he does. But to know that on a deeper level and the freedom that provides – oh, to experience it!

Week by week, it is taught to me. Taught in random aches and pains, fears of the baby dying, anxiety and panic attacks. A continual dying to myself to say that while I may not “get it” deep down, I still stand back and let Him move and work.

Tuesday is another ultrasound – most likely the final one before October. I mentioned to Fr. Anonymous this week how nervous I am, because of the experience with our third saint in Heaven, how the ultrasound showed my worst fear. I still can’t get over it, despite having an early ultrasound with this baby, showing a little little one and a strong, steady heartbeat.

He understands and promises continued prayers. He knows, as much as I do; there are somethings that talking can’t fix, that only God can fix. This is one of those things.

Bump, bump,  thump, thump. The little person inside goes bump in the night, when my anxiety is the most high, when my mind goes in overdrive and I’ve convinced myself the baby is dead.

Bump, bump. Mom, I’m OK. And even if I’m not OK by the world’s – or your – standards, I’m OK by God’s standards.

Relax.

Spring may finally have arrived up here, after yet another weekend of “it may snow”. The birds are frequenting Elise’s feeder much more frequently, and we’ve enjoyed learning about the visitors: sparrows, house finch, bluebirds (which I didn’t even know we had in Montana), and robins.

Elise and I also created a makeshift Mary Garden in a wagon from when Greg was a boy. We’re still looking for a nice statue and our flowers are a little limited since they’re all in pots; but we have a small assortment: marigold (representing Mary’s gold), petunia (representing praise) and snapdragons (representing baby Jesus’s shoes – isn’t that sweet?). So I guess it’s more of a Mary Garden in progress.

Question for you homeschoolers – what are good (living) books with Spring-y themes that Elise (and perhaps Bennie) would be interested in? Birds, flowers, seasons, weather – that sort of thing. I’m needing some inspiration before heading down to the library.

I did learn today that it’s totally normal to be absolutely exhausted post-panic attack. I had one yesterday, which I’m sure is also feeding into the exhaustion I feel. I’m fairly certain there’s nothing more horrendous to feel than a panic attack, except that my band-aid of an anti-anxiety medication is off the table. So I am learning to manage panic attacks with skills the Specialist is teaching me.

We are also starting a specific therapy relating to the Third Diagnosis – it’s basically what St. Ignatius called agere contra – to act against. St. Ignatius meant it for conquering vice and growing in virtue. We’re using the same concept to act against what I want to do when the Third Diagnosis flares up and do what I should do. The funny thing is that plenty of studies and brain scans have showed that this kind of therapy is the most effective way to treat the Third Diagnosis – even moreso than using medication. St. Ignatius was ahead of his time, that’s for sure.

I’m not looking forward to the therapy because it means provoking the Third Diagnosis deliberately and then having me use the skills I’m learning to not let it take control of my life. I’ll be doing the mental equivalent of danging a juicy steak in front of a hungry bear … all in the name of feeling better.

Our April opened with the news that Greg’s Grandfather passed away. It was something we all saw coming but it’s still a shock that he died. His last years were emotional on all of us, as we watched him slip into Alzheimer’s and never be the same.

Our April is closing with the news that Greg’s aunt – the Carmelite nun we love to refer to as Sister Aunt also died. Her passing was more of a shock – the cancer was under control. She was set to go to Lourdes on May 1st – tomorrow – but her Spouse came for her this past Friday.

This leaves one family member still suffering with cancer, past the point of treatments. Pray for that person, and pray for the repose of the souls of Grandpa and Sister Aunt.

Greg’s parents are trying to coordinate schedules for one funeral and logistics for the other two, when they happen. We’re trying to help as we can, through tears, hugs, service, and of course; lots of visits from the Grandkids.

The recent death has opened up conversations with Elise about death, grieving, and eternal life. We emphasize Jesus, and that grief is normal. Crying is normal. We all cry when someone we love dies. And that satisfies her, for now.

On the flip side, Baby Wok’s growth also opens up conversations for the birds and the bees. Elise comes with me to my OB appointments, asks questions about uteruses and placentas and umbilical cords. So far, she’s satisfied with my answers, and understands that Baby Wok is in my uterus, and not my tummy.

Elise is feeling loads better and should be off her antibiotics next week. Deo gratias!

Baby Wok is still plugging on, and I have not needed any Zofran today. YAY! I do feel a little wonky but nothing that needs Zofran. Interestingly, my morning sickness went away at 17 weeks with Elise, and I’m 17 weeks and change with Baby Wok. Another girl? We’ll find out next month.

My OB is very thrilled with everything – normal across all boards. He still sees me every two weeks to keep an eye on Wok (well, more of an ear for now) and also to help my anxiety levels stay low. I am so grateful for his detailed care, and taking my anxiety seriously. I told him he can’t retire until I’m past childbearing years, and he laughed. It could happen, he’s not that old!

With all that being said, can you please pray for the two family members who are dying? Both of them are suffering from cancer, and would appreciate the prayers.

Greg and I took Elise to the pediatrician yesterday for the cold Elise had. We explained our worries, listened to her cough. It’s not pertussis, thanks be to God. But, her oxygen saturation is lower than normal – 88-92%. Her breathing is shallow and fast.

“I don’t think she needs to be hospitalized.” the pediatrician said. Thanks be to God.

“But there’s definitely something going on beyond a cold.”

We talked for almost 40 minutes, listened to Elise’s lungs, her breathing, that horrible cough. We talked about x-rays and antibiotics and bringing her in on Saturday.

After a lot of careful listening of little lungs and Caillou on the iPod (thank you, hospital, for having wireless internet) – we came to a conclusion: pneumonia.

Chewable antibiotics, close monitoring, that horrible cough. She should start perking up soon – if not, we’ll need to bring her in tomorrow for a chest x-ray, check oxygen levels, that sort of thing.

“Keep a close eye on her. If her breathing gets worse, take her to the emergency room immediately.”

Yesterday, as Bennie napped; Elise and I cuddled in her bed. She dozed off and on, in between coughing fits that leave her gasping. When she slept, I talked with Fr. Anonymous about pneumonia and Baby Wok and the spiritual life and politics and the Third Diagnosis and the therapy that the Specialist wants me to undergo.

So now we wait, give her the antibiotics, and pray that they kick in and her oxygen goes up. There’s something so intensely terrifying seeing your child struggle to breathe, it’s indescribable. We can tell her it’s pneumonia and she’s sick, but all she understands is that she can’t stop coughing and she is tired of coughing. It’s hard to see your normally cheerful and imaginative preschooler lethargic and tired.

It’s hard to see her so sick and know there’s nothing you can do about it. I can’t make it go away with the snap of fingers, and I think that’s the hardest part of all. But, it’s a perfect time for me as a Mama to really let go of her to God, because He will take care of her. It’s a little reminder that she is not my child – but His.

So, if you are nearing the end of your planner and need a new one, take advantage of the pre-order time: free shipping and $5 off the planner itself.

I’m not affiliated with Michele in any way, and she didn’t ask me to post this; but as a very satisfied customer I just want to let everyone know about them.

Also, Michele’s mother passed away suddenly on the 11th, so please pray for her and for Michele and her family in this time.